How Not to Write a Novel

Author: Howard Mittelmark
Publisher: Harper Collins
ISBN: 0061862894
Category : Language Arts & Disciplines
Languages : en
Pages : 273

Book Description
"What do you think of my fiction book writing?" the aspiring novelist extorted. "Darn," the editor hectored, in turn. "I can not publish your novel! It is full of what we in the business call 'really awful writing.'" "But how shall I absolve this dilemma? I have already read every tome available on how to write well and get published!" The writer tossed his head about, wildly. "It might help," opined the blonde editor, helpfully, "to ponder how NOT to write a novel, so you might avoid the very thing!" Many writing books offer sound advice on how to write well. This is not one of those books. On the contrary, this is a collection of terrible, awkward, and laughably unreadable excerpts that will teach you what to avoid—at all costs—if you ever want your novel published. In How Not to Write a Novel, authors Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman distill their 30 years combined experience in teaching, editing, writing, and reviewing fiction to bring you real advice from the other side of the query letter. Rather than telling you how or what to write, they identify the 200 most common mistakes unconsciously made by writers and teach you to recognize, avoid, and amend them. With hilarious "mis-examples" to demonstrate each manuscript-mangling error, they'll help you troubleshoot your beginnings and endings, bad guys, love interests, style, jokes, perspective, voice, and more. As funny as it is useful, this essential how-NOT-to guide will help you get your manuscript out of the slush pile and into the bookstore.

Fifty Shades of Black and Blue: Part 2

Author: I. B. Naughtie
Publisher: CreateSpace
ISBN: 9781497465206
Category : Humor
Languages : en
Pages : 142

Book Description
“Hilarious parody!”“It had me tingling all over!”“I dumped my husband after I read this book – thank you!!!”“Black and Blue is the new Grey!”“Ouch!!”In Part 2 of this hilarious bestselling parody, Annabelle Stilletto from Jersey City, New Jersey reunites with her dream guy, the rich and handsome Vinnie Griso, the heir to the Vinnie's Auto Parts empire. After a magical evening with Vinnie at Trump Taj Mahal, where she actually meets The Donald Trump, Annabelle learns the dark secrets of Vinnie's past and the reasons for his strange obsessions.While Annabelle is overjoyed to be back together with Vinnie, she is frightened by his dark past and the mysterious stranger who seems to be stalking her. When Vinnie invites her to his thirtieth birthday party at his mansion -- and sends her on a shopping spree to buy a beautiful outfit for the party -- she wonders if she and Vinnie are truly destined to be together. Or will she end up abandoned and "fifty shades of black and blue."Hilarious, erotic and nice, not-so-clean fun, Fifty Shades of Black and Blue is the bestselling parody everyone is talking about.

Fifty Shades of Chicken

Author: F.L. Fowler
Publisher: Clarkson Potter
ISBN: 0385345232
Category : Cooking
Languages : en
Pages : 162

Book Description
Dripping Thighs, Sticky Chicken Fingers, Vanilla Chicken, Chicken with a Lardon, Bacon-Bound Wings, Spatchcock Chicken, Learning-to-Truss-You Chicken, Holy Hell Wings, Mustard-Spanked Chicken, and more, more, more! Fifty chicken recipes, each more seductive than the last, in a book that makes every dinner a turn-on. “I want you to see this. Then you’ll know everything. It’s a cookbook,” he says and opens to some recipes, with color photos. “I want to prepare you, very much.” This isn’t just about getting me hot till my juices run clear, and then a little rest. There’s pulling, jerking, stuffing, trussing. Fifty preparations. He promises we’ll start out slow, with wine and a good oiling . . . Holy crap. “I will control everything that happens here,” he says. “You can leave anytime, but as long as you stay, you’re my ingredient.” I’ll be transformed from a raw, organic bird into something—what? Something delicious. So begins the adventures of Miss Chicken, a young free-range, from raw innocence to golden brown ecstasy, in this spoof-in-a-cookbook that simmers in the afterglow of E.L. James’s sensational Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Like Anastasia Steele, Miss Chicken finds herself at the mercy of a dominating man, in this case, a wealthy, sexy, and very hungry chef. And before long, from unbearably slow drizzling to trussing, Miss Chicken discovers the sheer thrill of becoming the main course. A parody in three acts—“The Novice Bird” (easy recipes for roasters), “Falling to Pieces” (parts perfect for weeknight meals), and “Advanced Techniques” (the climax of cooking)—Fifty Shades of Chicken is a cookbook of fifty irresistible, repertoire-boosting chicken dishes that will leave you hungry for more. With memorable tips and revealing photographs, Fifty Shades of Chicken will have you dominating dinner.

I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar

Author: Sharon Eliza Nichols
Publisher: Macmillan
ISBN: 0312533012
Category : Humor
Languages : en
Pages : 165

Book Description
A collection of 200 color photos culled from the popular Facebook group, this hilarious work features outrageous grammatical, spelling, and usage mistakes from around the world.

Fifty Shades of Grammar

Author: Tabitha Ormiston-Smith
Publisher: Createspace Independent Publishing Platform
ISBN: 9781979909600
Category :
Languages : en
Pages : 386

Book Description
Everyone, it's said, has one book inside him, but getting it out can be problematical. Perhaps you can't English very well, or you work long hours and just don't have time, or you started writing and then got stuck? Fear not, for help is at hand. Packed with friendly, no-nonsense advice, Fifty Shades of Grammar will answer all those questions you were too afraid to ask. From sentence structure to punctuation, from setting up your workspace to support your efforts to overcoming the dreaded 'writer's block', from traps and pitfalls to avoid to editing, the problems faced by the novice writer are clearly addressed - and with LOLCATS! With this book at your side, the only variables will be your talent and your commitment.

Fifty Shames of Earl Grey

Author: Fanny Merkin
Publisher: Hachette UK
ISBN: 0306822008
Category : Fiction
Languages : en
Pages : 224

Book Description
Young, arrogant tycoon Earl Grey seduces the naïve coed Anna Steal with his overpowering good looks and staggering amounts of money, but will she be able to get past his fifty shames, including shopping at Walmart on Saturdays, bondage with handcuffs, and his love of BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery, and Magick)? Or will his dark secrets and constant smirking drive her over the edge?

Red Storm Rising

Author: Tom Clancy
Publisher: Penguin
ISBN: 9780425101070
Category : Fiction
Languages : en
Pages : 740

Book Description
From the author of the Jack Ryan series comes an electrifying #1 New York Times bestseller—a standalone military thriller that envisions World War 3... A chillingly authentic vision of modern war, Red Storm Rising is as powerful as it is ambitious. Using the latest advancements in military technology, the world's superpowers battle on land, sea, and air for ultimate global control. It is a story you will never forget. Hard-hitting. Suspenseful. And frighteningly real. “Harrowing...tense...a chilling ring of truth.”—TIME

Freed

Author: E. L. James
Publisher: Fifty Shades of Gray
ISBN: 9781432893552
Category : Fiction
Languages : en
Pages : 1073

Book Description
"Relive the sensuality, the romance, and the drama of Fifty Shades Freed through the thoughts, reflections, and dreams of Christian Grey. E. L. James revisits the world of Fifty Shades with a deeper and darker take on the love story that has enthralled millions around the globe. You are cordially invited to the wedding of the decade, when Christian Grey will make Anastasia Steele his wife. But is he really husband material? His dad is unsure, his brother wants to organize one helluva bachelor party, and his fiancée won't vow to obey.... And marriage brings its own challenges. Their passion for each other burns hotter and deeper than ever, but Ana's defiant spirit continues to stir Christian's darkest fears and tests his need for control. As old rivalries and resentments endanger them both, one misjudgment threatens to tear them apart. Can Christian overcome the nightmares of his childhood and the torments of his youth and save himself? And once he's discovered the truth of his origins, can he find forgiveness and accept Ana's unconditional love? Can Christian finally be freed?"--

50 Shades of Politics

Author: Eileen McGann
Publisher: Independently Published
ISBN: 9781790877225
Category : Biography & Autobiography
Languages : en
Pages : 228

Book Description
Things are not always black and white in politics - there seem to be about 50 shades of politics! This is a compilation of about one hundred stories telling what happened along the author's way through recent political history. Some are autobiographic, others are funny examples of working in a quirky business and traveling in foreign countries. Some are controversial. Some reveal exactly what-it-was-like.

Grammar Without Tears

Author: Tabitha Ormiston-Smith
Publisher: Createspace Independent Publishing Platform
ISBN: 9781492739159
Category : English language
Languages : en
Pages : 260

Book Description
"Grammar Without Tears creatively teaches grammar through short skits in modern context... If you have trouble understanding they're, their, and there, reflexive pronouns, may/can, or split infinitives, Grammar Without Tears will make them easy to learn. It's astounding as an educational reference, and I can see classrooms benefiting from its use. Ben Ditmars, author of Night Poems and Haiku in the Night."--Back cover.