Diddly Squat: ‘Til The Cows Come Home

Author: Jeremy Clarkson
Publisher: Random House
ISBN: 1405954647
Category : Technology & Engineering
Languages : en
Pages : 143

Book Description
THE NO. 1 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER Head back down to Clarkson Farm with the latest bestseller from our favourite welly-wearing wannabe farmer, Jeremy Clarkson ___________ Enthusiastic trainee farmer Jeremy Clarkson made just £144 in his first year at Diddly Squat Farm. This year he's determined to do better. Not because he now knows what he's doing. But because he's fed up of getting stick from Kaleb. Yet farming continues to be a challenge. For instance . . . · Loading a grain trailer was more demanding than flying an Apache gunship? · Cows were more dangerous than motor-racing? · It's easier to get planning permission to build a nuclear plant than to turn a barn into a restaurant? Jeremy's always got a plan. Loads of them. Often cunning. Not always greeted with wild enthusiasm by Kaleb and Cheerful Charlie, however . . . ___________ PRAISE FOR DIDDLY SQUAT 'Clarkson has done more for farmers in one series than Countryfile achieved in 30 years' James Rebanks, author of A Shepherd's Life 'Clarkson has showcased the passion, humour and personalities of the people who work throughout the year to grow the nation's food . . . and brought an understanding of many of the issues faced by farmers to the British public' National Farmers Union 'A deserving Farming Champion of the Year' Farmers Weekly 'I don't know anything about farming. It's like David Attenborough doing jet-skiing, or Nicholas Witchell saying, "I'm going to be a cage fighter'" Jeremy Clarkson

Diddly Squat

Author: Jeremy Clarkson
Publisher: Penguin UK
ISBN: 1405946547
Category : Biography & Autobiography
Languages : en
Pages : 137

Book Description
Pull on your wellies, grab your flat cap and join Jeremy Clarkson in this hilarious and fascinating behind-the-scenes look at the infamous Diddly Squat Farm THE NO. 1 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER 'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph 'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out _________ Welcome to Clarkson's farm. It's always had a nice ring to it. Jeremy just never thought that one day his actual job would be 'a farmer'. And, sadly, it doesn't mean he's any good at it. From buying the wrong tractor (Lamborghini, since you ask . . .) to formation combine harvesting, getting tied-up in knots of red tape to chasing viciously athletic cows, our hero soon learns that enthusiasm alone might not be enough. Jeremy may never succeed in becoming master of his land, but, as he's discovering, the fun lies in the trying . . . _________ 'Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube' Evening Standard Praise for Clarkson's Farm: 'The best thing Clarkson's done . . . it pains me to say this' GUARDIAN 'Shockingly hopeful' INDEPENDENT 'Even the most committed Clarkson haters will find him likeable here' TELEGRAPH 'Quite lovely' THE TIMES

Diddly Squat: Home to Roost

Author: Jeremy Clarkson
Publisher: Random House
ISBN: 1405972262
Category : Biography & Autobiography
Languages : en
Pages : 121

Book Description
It's been another memorable year on Diddly Squat Farm - will the chickens finally come home to roost? ---- Welcome back to Clarkson’s Farm. So, that went well . . . The spring barley crop failed. Just like the oil seed rape. And the durum wheat. Then the oats turned the colour of a hearing aid and the mushrooms went mouldy. Farming sheep, pigs and cows was hardly more lucrative. Jeremy would be better off trying to breed ostriches. But in the face of uncooperative weather, the relentless realities of the agricultural economy, bureaucracy, a truculent local planning department and the world’s persistent refusal to recognise his ingenuity and genius, our hero’s not beaten yet. Not while the farm shop’s still doing a roaring trade in candles that smell like his knacker hammock, he isn’t. On the face of it, the challenges of making a success of Diddly Squat are enough to have you weeping into your (Hawkstone) beer, but misery loves company and in girlfriend Lisa, Farm Manager Kaleb, Cheerful Charlie and Gerald his Head of Security Jeremy knows he’s got the best. And it’s hard for a chap to feel too gloomy about things when there’s a JCB telehandler, a crop-spraying hovercraft and a digger in the barn. Because as a wise man* once said, ‘there’s no man alive who wouldn’t have fun with a digger . . .’ *Jeremy

Diddly Squat: Pigs Might Fly

Author: Jeremy Clarkson
Publisher: Random House
ISBN: 1405961430
Category : Biography & Autobiography
Languages : en
Pages : 115

Book Description
Get tucked in to a third bestselling helping of Clarkson's Farm from our favourite wellie-wearing wannabe farmer, Jeremy Clarkson 'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph 'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out --- After three years, Jeremy Clarkson has discovered the golden rule of farming: whatever you hope will happen, won't. Enthusiastic schemes to diversify face defeat at the hands of the Council Planning department, or derision from Kaleb. Jeremy's plans for a business empire founded on rewilding and nettle soup are doubted by Lisa. And the stifling thickets of red tape keep only one person smiling – Cheerful Charlie, who charges by the hour. But the animals couldn’t be happier. A rented bull called Break-Heart Maestro is delighting the cows. The pigs are bringing home the bacon. And the goats are . . . most probably psychopaths. Yet on the good days it hard not to be optimistic. Where else do you get to harvest blackberries with a vacuum cleaner? Maybe it’s not just Break-heart Maestro who gets a happy ending? ---- Readers are loving Diddly Squat: Pigs Might Fly ‘Another funny book from Jeremy. This one made me chuckle but, my only complaint it's too short. I wanted more. Hopefully Another book is being written as we speak’ ***** Reader Review ‘I love the show and I love the books. Both make me chuckle but have also given me an insight into farming and how hard farming is’ **** Reader Review ‘I’ve read the previous books and loved those as well. Witty and funny with depth and a bit of seriousness’ **** Reader Review ‘Loved it, quickest book I've ever read. Can't wait for the next Clarkson instalment’ **** Reader Review

Can You Make This Thing Go Faster?

Author: Jeremy Clarkson
Publisher: Penguin UK
ISBN: 1405946520
Category : Biography & Autobiography
Languages : en
Pages : 260

Book Description
The hilarious new collection of stories and observations from Jeremy Clarkson - setting our off-kilter world to rights with thigh-slapping wit once again. Who is that tractor-driving Gentleman Farmer? Has Jeremy turned into a horny-handed son of the soil? These and other perplexing questions may or may not be answered in the latest volume of Clarkson's utterly unbiased musings on life, the universe and everything in between (except cars - this isn't one of his four-wheel drive books). Inside you'll also discover why: · Bathing in crude oil isn't for everyone · People who go fishing hate their kids · Noise-cancelling headphones will never silence James May · The rambler who stole his marrow is in for it Full of fact-checked opinions and ideas so good they're no longer following the science but chasing it up a tree, Can You Make This Thing Go Faster? is one hundred per cent guaranteed Clarkson . . . Praise for Clarkson: 'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph 'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out 'Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube' Evening Standard

If You'd Just Let Me Finish!

Author: Jeremy Clarkson
Publisher: Michael Joseph
ISBN: 9780241366738
Category : English wit and humor
Languages : en
Pages : 0

Book Description
Well, someone's got to do it- in a world which simply will not see reason, Jeremy sets off on another quest to beat a path of sense through all the silliness and idiocy. Pithy and provocative, this is Clarkson at his best, taking issue with whatever nonsense gets in the way of his search for all that's worth celebrating. Why should we be forced to accept stuff that's a bit rubbish? Shouldn't things work? What doesn't someone care? It's a good thing we've still got Jeremy out there, still looking, without fear or favour, for the answers.

Notes from the Hard Shoulder

Author: James May
Publisher: Random House
ISBN: 0753520788
Category : Biography & Autobiography
Languages : en
Pages : 226

Book Description
Top Gear presenter and columnist for the Daily Telegraph James May brings together another brilliant collection of his most controversial and humorous writing. From tales of motoring adventures through India, Russia and Iceland, to classic articles on essential subjects such as driving songs and haunted car parks, these gems from the number one car connoisseur will take readers on a motoring journey that will amuse and entertain in equal measure.

Diddly Squat: 'Til The Cows Come Home

Author: Jeremy Clarkson
Publisher: Penguin UK
ISBN: 9781405954631
Category : Technology & Engineering
Languages : en
Pages : 0

Book Description
Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm. At the end of Jeremy's first year in the tractor's driving seat, Diddly Squat farm rewarded him with a profit of just £144. So, while he's the first to admit that he's still only a 'trainee farmer'*, there is clearly still work to be done. Because while he's mastered the art of moaning about nearly everything, some of the other attributes required of a successful farmer prove more of a challenge. Who knew, for instance, that loading a grain trailer was more demanding than flying an Apache gunship? That cows were more dangerous than motor-racing? Or that it would have been easier to get planning permission build a nuclear power station than to turn an old barn into a farm restaurant? But if the council planning department and the local red trouser brigade seem determine to frustrate his schemes at every turn, at least he's got Lisa, Kaleb, Cheerful Charlie and Gerald, his dry-stone-walling Head of Security to see him through. And cold beer brewed with spring barley harvested from Diddly Squat's own fields ... Life on Clarkson's Farm may not always go according to plan. There may not always be one. But there's not a day goes by when Jeremy can't say 'I've done a thing' and mean it ... * generous, in Kaleb's view ____________ PRAISE FOR DIDDLY SQUAT 'Clarkson has done more for farmers in one series than Countryfile achieved in 30 years' James Rebanks, author of A Shepherd's Life 'Clarkson has showcased the passion, humour and personalities of the people who work throughout the year to grow the nation's food ... and brought an understanding of many of the issues faced by farmers to the British public' National Farmers Union 'A deserving Farming Champion of the Year' Farmers Weekly 'I don't know anything about farming. It's like David Attenborough doing jet-skiing, or Nicholas Witchell saying, "I'm going to be a cage fighter'" Jeremy Clarkson

Off-Road with Clarkson, Hammond and May

Author: Phillipa Sage
Publisher: Ad Lib Publishers Ltd
ISBN: 1913543293
Category : Transportation
Languages : en
Pages : 239

Book Description
'Amazing adventures. Apparently I was there.' Richard Hammond For over 12 years Phillipa Sage worked alongside Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May as their PA, gofer, and fixer where she saw the boys at their best and, hilariously, at their worst. A closet petrol head, Phillipa started working in the motor industry on live events over 20 years ago and first worked with Jeremy Clarkson in 1997. She proved to be a loyal, trusted friend and colleague to all the presenters—from back in the beginning with Tiff Needell, Vicki Butler-Henderson and Quentin Wilson—to the now infamous trio of Clarkson, Hammond and May, and was a key member of what became known as 'The Bubble', the exclusive, dysfunctional working family that toured the world. With an enormous budget, they travelled like rock stars—with super cars, yachts, private jets, helicopters, and five-star wining and dining—taking their unique brand of motoring madness to 18 countries, 31 cities and to over 2 million fans in arenas and at festivals from New Zealand to Norway. Supported by a large crew and their personal entourage, Clarkson, Hammond and May, when not performing in their extraordinary, high octane, live action, motoring theatre, indulged in extravagant holidays. They and their 'Bubble' family relaxed in luxury resorts or private houses entertaining themselves with pool parties, drinking, heli-sightseeing, drinking, private motorboat cruises, drinking, jet skiing, sailing, drinking and eating, and drinking. In Off-Road with Clarkson, Hammond & May, Phillipa shares the tour highs, lows and laughter of three clever, funny, and very stupid motoring journalists.

How to Land an A330 Airbus

Author: James May
Publisher: Sourcebooks, Inc.
ISBN: 1402269579
Category : Humor
Languages : en
Pages : 259

Book Description
His tongue-in-cheek technical explanations here will have you howling with laughter ...-Daily Telegraph After being given yet another pointless man manual that told him fifty ways to tie a bow tie in under thirty seconds, James May, star of the international TV phenomenon Top Gear, was certain guys needed a different kind of book. This book, in fact. He reckons there are nine vital things that a true man should be able to do. Not stuff you can download from the Internet, but really important things, like: HOW TO LAND AN A330 AIRBUS IN AN EMERGENCY* HOW TO PREPARE AND EAT YOUR BEST FRIEND HOW TO DRIVE THE PEPPERCORN CLASS A 1 4-6-2 PACIFIC LOCOMOTIVE TORNADO HOW TO DELIVER TWINS HOW TO DEFUSE AN UNEXPLODED WORLD WAR II BOMB The chances that you will ever meet with the circumstances outlined here are, frankly, very remote. But you're still better off knowing this stuff than not knowing it. Life is a lottery, and maybe, just maybe, it could be you who can do this stuff. But only if you've read this book. *Authors Note: This guide has been prepared for use in an absolute dire, buttock-clenching emergancy. None of the advice inside has been sanctioned by Airbus, any of its associates, or anyone else really. Do not attempt to fly the A330 Airbus on a recreational basis, or use one for joyriding. The A330 is not a toy.